The days are ticking down: only five to go before you’re due to make your appearance in this world. We’ve checked and rechecked the list of newborn “must haves,” made sure the refrigerator is stocked, that every single surface has been sanitized (even the ones that there’s zero chance you’ll be able to reach for at least a year) and packed a hospital bag that is bursting at the seams.
It’s so hard to believe that after months of planning, stressing and daydreaming that I’m finally going to be able to meet you. There have been so many moments leading up to this week. My heart sometimes feels so full of excitement that I’m worried I might burst… and the same goes for my ever expanding belly. And yet here we find ourselves, in a place of hurry up and wait.
These last few days and weeks of pregnancy are a bundle of emotional ups and downs I wasn’t expecting. I go back and forth between overwhelming desire for you to exit my body and be in my arms (and not have to pee every hour), and this insane fear of you not being safe in my belly anymore. Crazy, I know, but after nine months of my emotions tap dancing all over the map, nothing seems that far-fetched these days.
I feel almost like this time of in-between should have a special term, to give all of us first-time mamas a heads up that “hey, just so you know, you’re going to be so stupid excited but ALSO feel like you’re absolutely losing your mind. Congratulations, you beautiful creature you.” I guess that’s how these last few days go: Slow moments, followed quickly by panicky, fast ones. Wanting to speed up time so I can finally meet you, but also desperately wanting to freeze it because I don’t know if I’m ready yet.
I find my mind drifting to you dozens of times throughout the day. I wonder what color your eyes will be and what your soft baby skin will smell like. How much you’ll weigh and if you’ll look more like your dad or me. How long we’ll have to wait to see your first smile or hear your first laugh, what the first time you latch will feel like, and how you’ll feel snuggled up in our arms.
And almost like the flip side of the same coin, I start feeling a wave of fear rising inside of me at the same time. Are we really prepared? Will I be a good mom? What if you don’t sleep, or struggle with feeding, or have diaper blowouts every single day for months (RIP those beautiful cloth diapers… and our sanity)?
But even with all of these emotions swirling around in my heart and head, there’s one thing I know for sure—I can’t wait to meet you. I can’t wait to be your mom. I can’t wait to see you in your dad’s arms for the very first time and see the absolute love and joy that shines in his eyes for you. I can’t wait to teach you things, to watch you grow, to get to know the person that you will grow into. I can’t wait to look into your eyes and feel your heartbeat as you lay on my chest, and soak up every ounce of those first few moments with you. I can’t wait for you to make us parents, and for us to become a family of three.
Soon these moments of in-between will seem like a memory. Any day now you will be joining this world and our lives, and we will be meeting you for the very first time. One day it will be almost impossible to remember our lives without you. You are already so incredibly loved, my sweet baby, and we can’t wait for our soul to meet yours.